Novice

My first real blood draw. Real in the sense that I was going to draw blood of a real person who needed a real test. Unlike the times early in the year when I drew blood of my classmates for practice. I was hoping for a really big guy, with bulging veins to come around the corner of the phlebotomy lab. Instead a very petite Vietnamese women appeared in front of me. My hopes were dashed that this would be an easy one. I went through the checklist, name and date of birth? check. signature on lab form? check. preparation of phlebotomy materials? check. gloves on? check. tourniquet on? check. Everything going ok so far, I'm gaining a bit of confidence, this isn't too bad.  Then I try to find her veins. It's a skill to feel the vein, and then to slide the needle in properly so the vein doesn't roll on you. After about ten double checks, I think I found an okay vein, it's tiny, and I can't really see it, but it will have to do. As I prepare the needle, the patient begins to squirm. She doesn't speak much english, so she expresses her fear and concern in a series dismayed moans and scared sighs. I try to calm her down, but inside I'm just as nervous and scared as her. I certainly don't want to cause her more discomfort, which I know I'm about to. I move forward, inserting the needle into the small, hidden vein I felt a minute prior, hoping and praying to see a flash of blood in the needle so I can fill up a vial of her blood. Nothing. I slide the needle out a bit, still nothing, slide it in further, nothing. I am very dismayed. I try to explain to the patient that I'm very sorry but I will have to try again. I take out the needle and place a bandaid on her arm. She was moaning and almost crying, but then thanking me and saying "its ok its ok", so I think she understands. Then she gets up to leave-she doesn't understand. I quickly interrupt, "No no, I'm so sorry but I wasn't able to get a proper blood draw, we're going to have to try again" and show her the empty vial. She gets frightened, distraught with the understanding the she has to go through it all again. I'm not really sure who feels worse at this moment in time. Because my heart is wrenching, I inflicted pain upon her, was inept and now I have to do it again. So we go again, this time the other arm. Still no luck. Again, she doesn't understand and I have to explain that again I wasn't able to draw blood. So I call the lab supervisor and have him do it, because there is no way I'm going to try again and fail. I feel so bad for this woman, I didn't mean to inflict so much pain, I really wish she didn't have to be my first real patient. I really wish I was able to draw blood quickly for her. After her blood is drawn, she turns to me and says "It's ok, it's ok" and smiles. An incredibly nice gesture of her, it really meant a lot to me that she recognized how bad I felt for making her undergo 3 blood draws. The other part of it was that I felt bad that I was this inept, shouldn't I have been better? I mean I'm a Stanford Medical Student, I had an undergrad and a high school student shadowing me, and proved to be completely incompetent....
    The rest of the day was very successful actually, I was able to give many vaccinations and did many more successful blood draws. I did my best to put all the patients at ease and appear competent and professional. As I was driving home, reflecting on the morning, I realized that by thinking of myself as a "Stanford Medical student" I really missed the point. Although others may see me like that in the clinic or at the hospital. I'm actually just me, who will be continually thrown into new situations and procedures in my growth as a student of medicine, and I will always try my best, but if I fail, it's not a reflection of me as a person, its a reflection of being a novice, and not having much experience. If I continue to do my best, I will become the best doctor I can be. Whether or not I live up to the title of "Stanford medical student" in the eyes of others is completely besides the point. This way of thinking gave me peace with the incident in the morning. I really did try my best, my best at putting the patient at ease, as well as trying to draw blood. By not running away from the situation, I learned, and I got better and was able to do my best for others later in the day. Medicine is tough-and this was just a blood draw.